The night

It was cold last night, or so I thought after having come out from Scottish country dancing with mom, she drove us to my house and I made coffee for her and the boys. She is really unsure what to make of my life right now but I suspect she thinks I am in trouble with the law... I really am not though. Still haven't been arrested, no record... they taught me that, my parents did.
She went to bed in my room as I lay on the couch so totally wanting to get away into the night. Really have been needing to walk in that cold air all alone with music blaring in the holes in my head. To think of her life, dad and my boyfriend. I don't know why I am here at all and it is driving me nuts.

The cold air seeps through my sweater and I start to run; because if I don't get away I may never come back to my house at all with mom sleeping in my bed. my breathe is seen in my eyes and I smile with the pain in my legs because I know that I am alive and this must be a good thing for at least now.

When I return all is quiet except for me waking up one of the guys; I hit the couch and don't get a good sleep because my boyfriend is not there to sleep beside me curled up with his arm around my waist. He is staying at a friend to give me some space with my mom and let her get to know the man that sleeps on my floor. This I think is not a good thing, but it may change her perception of what life means to me in all. Maybe she will understand eventually...

I wake up and find out mom wants to write a fiction novel about my life as a kid... I am rather curious as to what this will be like to read about myself as a character in a novel. I have one problem though... it is not a story I really want her to share.... I hope that I can talk to her about what exactly she wants in the book. My life is not yet over and yet.... maybe. Maybe it would be good for people to know the struggles of being a kid stuck between what I was. There are too many happy endings to the stories I read... I now know that happy endings don't generally happen in real life. Being a rich person isn't the ultimate happiness for most people although they generally need to discover that for themselves. Hopefully mom will understand.

And for dad, I will get him radios because I care and want him to be happy. I also want to be happy with him.

She thought

She thought she knew me as a kid and that I would be the same sweet child as an . She was and is wrong though I should probably never tell her. We have company tonight she won't like, but this is my life, and this is how I live it. So enter my domain and watch what you say because not all nightmares happen when you are safe asleep...
Would she forgive me for the things she does not know; I wonder how much she knows as a mother towards my current life style. It makes me smile as I carry on the daily tasks that I set for myself everyday.

the poetry she never liked because it was too sad, now, has become a book of evil that she may never have the sense to read because she wants to believe the world is a safe place and no harm will ever come to her. This I have learned is never true, Maybe one day the rest of all mothers' will understand the old ways no longer apply.

I Thought That

The words I thought that weren't ones that I can ever describe having to fit to something of what my life has become. But I must because this story is from my assumptions and how they change.
I thought that marijuana was one of those drugs that could kill you and be addictive. Like the ones in the drug pamphlets at school during careers and personal planning classes. The ones that only criminals did....

That was then and now here I am eating smoking and benefiting from its healing capability.